Last Sunday, I was in a full-blown flareup. Every muscle ached, moving caused me great pain, and walking up and down the hill at Bristol was damn near impossible. Damn near. Every weekend this season, my left foot swells up along the bottom (the outside edge down to and including the heel). I've tried all manner of insoles (I have doctor-given orthodics and for some reason, they're causing bruises on the arches of my feet and I've had them for five years now). I've been doing one day with shoe inserts and the second day with only the soft double-foam inserts.
Now, I try to do things during flareups. Nothing serious- I'm not going to mow the lawn or participate in a power-lifting competition- but you know, just stuff. Mostly it's photography stuff- like taking macro shots of flowers and raindrops or even going to faire. There is no way I will let this disease keep me from a faire day. I get asked by folks now and then why I do it. Why do I cause further pain to myself? (it's usually said in a "you're so strong" capacity, not in a "what the fuck is wrong with you, lady" way).
If I don't get up, if I don't go to faire, if I don't take my photos, or put on garb, or do any one of the things I do during a flareup, then the fibro wins. And I don't want the fibro to win. Fibro sucks sweaty donkey balls and I can't let something that sucks sweaty donkey balls have what little joy I find in life.
And honestly, take a look at these photos and tell me- why do I do what I do? Because I fucking love to do it. I love these people and I love what they do and I want to be a part of their world. And they care, because they're awesome people. Getting through a flareup, surrounded by people who actually care and who also make you forget how stupid this disease is for even a minute- well, goddammit, they're worth it. They make the pain I'm in at the end of the day worth it. I want to be with these people, I want to share their amazing talents with the world, and I want to be needed.
However...
There are plenty of photographers at the faire- official and unofficial. The faire doesn't need me to take these photos and hell, even if I didn't show up, the faire would go on and these moments would still happen. But if I sit here at home, whining and lamenting how much pain I'm in, instead of walking around the faire and capturing moments, well, that might as well be the end of me. I don't want to give up. I may end up in pain, I may cause myself extra pain, and my left foot might look like a flipper for three straight days... but goddammit, I am not letting this stupid disease take one more thing from me. It has taken enough! NOT ANY MORE! (that's a silly joke with my kids- "not any more").
And, with that I say good night and I'll see you at faire. Enjoy the tsunami of ren faire photos.
