Monday, December 5, 2011

The Whining today is laced with anger. And swearing. Lots of swearing...

My fibro has been kicking my ass hard lately. I did so well in the summer with losing weight that I had hoped to keep up that momentum. But its a lot easier to muster energy and work through the pain when there's something unusually rewarding going on. And no, I don't mean the jousters. Heck I only spoke to them for a few minutes at the end of the day. I mean the overall experience. Being "on" for the non-garbed patrons, talking with my friends, spending time with everybody. Even though I was in pain, I muscled through it and it was worth it. I had so much fun, took so many wonderful photos. And even though I know it will hurt again, I can't wait till next year.

But when the only thing I can expect at the end is more pain, I just can't get myself out that door to walk. I tried to by announcing my photos of the day would be taken out on my walks, but I couldn't do it. One day, I did fine. But the day after I was so sore that the pain brought tears to my eyes.

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING... try explaining the pain after physical activity and have people say, "Oh, you gotta just work through it. Everyone feels sore after they work out." It isn't the same thing! I know the goddamn difference between workout pain and fibro fucking pain. Two completely different things! Workout pain feels GOOD. Fibro pain sucks the goddamn life out of you and you can barely sit up in bed, much less put on trainers and walk a fucking mile.

The utter exhaustion I feel every fucking day is different than feeling tired from working out. I don't lack motivation, this stupid fucking disease takes it from me. I goddamn guarantee you that I wake up every morning with an eager mental state. I'm a fucking morning person. And by "morning person", I mean whichever the time of day I wake up. But now I reach over and turn off my alarm and as soon as I sit up, the fucking pain starts to sap my energy. By the time I'm upright and in the bathroom- where my workout clothes are- I'm in so much fucking agony that I just want to go back to bed.

On top of all this, I feel sometimes that I've let people down. I'm sure nobody gives a damn about my stupid 365days photo project, but I did say I'd take photos from my walks. Even that couldn't help motivate me. I've thought about walking after I take my pain meds. That would be the one time I have no excuse for, aside from just not wanting to go walking that late in the evening.

As I sit here, at this computer desk, all my muscles feel tight. And no, stretching doesn't help. It makes them hurt more and it even makes them burn a little. And not that "push it to the max" workout burn. More like "fucking hell, I think I've pulled a muscle" burn.

I don't know what is causing this right now. Could be the weather changing, could be nothing. Could be this stupid fucking disease likes to make me its bitch and wrestle me to the floor and punch me in the arm till I bruise.

I'm just glad that I don't have the itching yet.

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