Wednesday, January 1, 2014

It sweeps! It clears! It removes dust, dirt, and snow! YES! SNOW!

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR SUCH AN AMAZING ITEM?!

What amazing item am I speaking of?

Why, it's the magical, incredible, AMAZING BROOM! That's right! Just a normal, everyday broom and guess what!

YOU PROBABLY HAVE ONE IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW!



*Photo courtesy of Pahz, from 2010, yes, I know I'm Pahz, but
c'mon, this makes it look legit and shit, right?*

Now, don't be alarmed! The broom is not going to hurt you. And you shouldn't be afraid of it and what it can do...

Let me begin by saying that I loathe housework. I hate it all in equal amounts, I don't discriminate when it comes to hating housework. HOWEVER- as much as I hate housework and try to avoid it as much as possible, I am aware of what a broom is and how it works.

Why am I telling you this in my fibro blog? Because I have a pet peeve and I need to share it. Part of that pet peeve is that, while I have a chronic pain disease- I can still manage to do certain things... like, say, clearing the snow off my vehicle before driving it.

There is no excuse for driving a vehicle around like this-



OR THIS!



Why? Aside from having an obstructed view from not clearing your rear window, THIS is what happens when you don't clear off the top of your vehicle-



And that, kids, is a hazard to whatever poor sap got stuck driving behind you and your lazy ass.

You have no excuse! You see, this stupid fibro thing makes my entire body hurt. If you're a regular reader of my whinings, you know that sometimes my body hurts so much that I can barely get out of bed. Sometimes, just parts of my body hurt. And today is no different. Today, my skin aches like I have a full-body bruise and my lower back is bothering me. I can't stretch- you know that thing you do when you're tired? You stretch your arms out, yawn or make a loud groaning noise... that. I can't do that anymore. It hurts too much.

And in previous bitching posts I've made about this topic, I mentioned that I did all this snow-clearing while walking with a cane. At one point, my knees were so bad that I had to walk with two canes. Two canes! I would lean one against my vehicle and remove the snow while leaning most of my weight on the other cane... and using that free hand to clear snow. And the Disabled Guy? He's paralyzed on his right side! He can't use his right hand or arm, and he still manages to clear off his vehicle! What the hell, man? You really have no excuse.

Now, that brings us to TODAY. I've been inside for almost an hour now and the cold I endured while outside has settled into my muscles and have made me so stiff I can barely turn my head to the side.

So, with my sometimes-debilitating chronic pain, I took this truck-



And made it into THIS-



"HOW DID YOU DO THAT!? ARE YOU A WIZARD!?" I hear you say, with amazement in your voice.

Yes, I am a wizard. AND THIS IS MY WAND!



This SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEM IS AMAZING!!

However... as amazing as that is, I actually did not use this particular broom on my truck today. You see, they actually make specialized brooms for vehicles.
("NO WAY!" Yes way! TOTALLY!)

Here's one-



And, then there's this one!



I got mine at Walmart. You can get them at almost any store- be it the small-town destroying Walmart or the hardware store down the street where Old Man Geezer counts the nails and grumbles about "kids these days". (I just happen to live in an area where the Walmart empire has stomped the hell out of Old Man Geezer's lawn).

I used that second brush on my truck today. It isn't just a broom (with an ice scraper on the opposite end), it actually telescopes out to about four feet long. That's good news for people like me- I'm short (5'4 1/2" tall) and I have short arms (I didn't measure them, but they're proportionate with my short stature). With this amazing and magical tool, I turned this truck-



...into this truck-



I know what you're thinking... you're thinking: "One- I just saw those photos, and two- why are you showing us the same photos?" Would you like different photos? I can do that... let's see, you've already witnessed the magic of my amazing broom removing the snow from my mid-sized, four-door pickup truck. How about some before and after photos of the Disabled Guy's full-size pickup truck?

BECAUSE I TOTALLY CLEARED THAT OFF TOO!

Before!



After!



I know what you're saying- "What are those footprints around that full-size pickup truck? Are you saying I have to get out and walk in the snow?"

Well, yes. Unfortunately, everything we were told in school that we'd have in 2014 was wrong. "Flying cars", "pills as food", "robot maids", "self-snow-removing cars"... what? That last one? Just me? Well, I did go to school in Alaska. Unless you have a non-rusting robot maid to do it for you, you will have to put on a coat and go outside to do this yourself. But it isn't that hard! I've already explained the whole "I used to walk with two canes" and "now I have a robot knee and a chronic pain disease" and "hey, the Disabled Guy can only use one hand" thing, right?

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO DRIVE AROUND IN A VEHICLE LIKE THIS-



Even if you DON'T have this fancy-ass snow brush made for vehicle clearing-



...you most definitely have one of these- Or, at least a version of this (there are others that look different, shaped differently, but they all have the similarities of "bristles" and a "handle").



So, c'mon, guys... don't be this guy-



Now, I've cleared off two vehicles, one mid-size pickup truck and one full-size pickup truck, and I dragged the snow-blower around my driveway in a half-ass fashion, and I've written this blog post. My fibro has caused all my muscles to tighten up and I dread standing up (which I'll have to do soon). Because on top of all that, I still have to go to the store.

But at least my truck is cleared off.



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