Sunday, June 8, 2014

A Realization!

Let me get this out of the way first: Day 50 of this goddamn flareup. I've had varying days of pain degrees and today (Saturday, even though this is now Sunday) was pretty bad (because I'm calling early-morning Sunday "Saturday" because I'm still awake). And now, onto "The Realization"...

I've joked before that I'm a superhero. People have often said to me: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!" and my smartass reply to that has always been: "Then where's my cape, because I'm a fuckin' superhero by now."

On top of that obvious super-human strength I most obviously have by now, I also have the Wolverine-like ability for quick healing. Not the whole "push a bullet from my skull" power, of course, but I heal so quickly that my scars don't have time to catch up and often turn out ugly and snakelike. I healed so quickly from my knee replacement that the ligaments in the front area of my knee became so tight from scar tissue that they had to put me under general anesthesia to bend my knee and break it down. (the doctor's exact words were: "Just snap, crackle, and pop, and we got you to [a] 90 [degree angle].")

But the other day, I had a realization. You see, I know some incredibly talented people through the renaissance faire. I know actors who are so beautiful, they should be models. They're also so talented in their acting ability that when they step out of those oh-so-familiar ren faire roles, they move me to tears. And I know jousters, who do an amazing show with full-impact, full-plate jousting... and they're my age! And, I know a trio of acrobats, known collectively as "Barely Balanced". And they uploaded a video of their rehearsal the other day... let's watch...




The Disabled Guy was walking by just before Cameron climbed up to his position and made me back it up so he could see it from the beginning. He stammered: "Is he- that girl- what's this called?"  I told him they were called Barely Balanced and they're the daredevil acrobat troupe that I know from faire. He continued to watch in awe as the video went on. I said: "You see that? You see what they're doing? Yeah, and then there's me- I have trouble getting up off the sofa if I sit too long. I'm like an upturned turtle. Meanwhile, Jimmy is holding everybody up with his feet, Margret is holding Cameron up with her thighs and they're juggling..."

And that's when I realized it.

I'm not a superhero.

No.

I'm a supervillain.

That's right, I don't wear a mask and cape of truth and justice. I'm at the other end of the spectrum. Just like Pulp Fiction and Die Hard were in "Unbreakable". He said: "They call me Mister Glass!" and spoiler alert, he wasn't actually glass.

But here I am, upturned like a turtle, struggling to get to an upright position so I can struggle and pull myself to my feet before I limp to the other room. And here we have someone like Margret, who juggles fire while having her body balanced and compressed between two men's dirty man-feets. She balances herself using only the muscles in her amazing abs, while Cameron juggles razor-sharp blades over her while he stands on her shins and Jimmy is supporting them both, with his giant Jimmy-feets.

And I've eaten a single banana for breakfast because the very act of pouring cereal in a bowl, adding milk, and then eating it with a spoon is too exhausting to even fathom. If I have to sit around my house, I prefer my desk chair because I can get out of it the easiest (because it has arms that I can use for support). And then we have Margret...

So, all that's left is choosing my supervillain name. Something that tells the world who I am and what my supervillain-y power is and why they should fear me.

"Muscle Spasm"... no, that's more of a sidekick's name.

"Charlie Horse"... jeez, not that either. That's a sidekick's pet's name.

"The Blub"... no way. That's the comedy relief character.

"Dead Weight"... that's a little better.

"Gravitational Pull"... there you go. That's the one.

Gravitational Pull- I create my own orbit. Call me "Grav" for short.

No, don't call me "for short", I'm already short enough.

GRAVITATIONAL PULL [Pull.... pull... pull...] (that's echoing, just go with it)- the very name strikes fear and uncertainty into the hearts of good, law-abiding, cereal-eating citizens all around the world.

FEAR ME!!

*slowly flails arms and legs like an upturned turtle*

FEEEEAAAARRR MEEEEEE!!!

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